The Gang Gets Infected
by myspiffynewshoes
Summary: The gang find themselves trapped inside Paddy's Pub, pitted against the forces of the undead. Bad language, adult subject matter.
1. Chapter 1

6:30 PM, On a Tuesday, Philadelphia, PA

Mac reads a newspaper at the furthest end of the empty bar by the pool table absentmindedly as Dee cleans glasses with a rag behind the bar in front of him. Almost no sounds can be heard besides the running water form behind the bar and the clanging and banging from the basement as Charlie cleans out the storm cellar. Thunder shakes the bar, which startles Dee, dropping her glass.

"God dammit, Dee!" Mac shouts, slamming his newspaper on the bar top. "Do you think this bar is made of money?"

"Well, I'm so sorry, Mac!" Dee waves her cleaning rag around, "I'm so sorry that a massive storm is currently destroying Philly and our bar, where I'm not even supposed to be right now, is in it's path! I'm so sorry that terrifies me!"

"Well, it's not surprising you're scared of a little rain because you are still a woman after all. But the storm hitting Philly right now is just a bunch of thunderstorms, so relax, Deandra." Mac scoffs as he picks up his newspaper again. "And just so you know we're docking your paycheck for that glass. Charlie!"

"You're docking me for this glass? No one even drinks out of the glasses! We mostly serve bottles. And, if you're gonna dock anyone, it should be Dennis because he's suppose dot be working right now!" Dee slams her rag on the bar top.

"Dennis didn't drop the glass, you did. Also, he has important work to do in downtown Philly. Charlie get out here and clean Dee's mess!" Mac balls up his newspaper and tosses it in the trash bin behind the bar.

"Raping some poor Hispanic girl is not 'important' business. It's not even business, it's just rape! I should be at home perfectly safe in my bed, eating yogurt and watching TV, but no, I'm here with you assholes." Dee exclaims as she picks up another glass to clean.

Charlie emerges from the basement with a cardboard box, giddy like a boy on Christmas.

"Guys, you're not gonna believe the box I just found in the basement, it's full of all this cool stuff!" Charlie comes around the side of the bar to put the box next to Mac.

"Charlie, we need you to clean up the glass that Mac dropped on the ground." Dee continues to clean her glasses, ignoring the large box on the bar. Mac stands and berates Dee.

"My glass!? You dropped it o the ground! I literally just saw you do it! Im not even touching the glasses right now! You are!" Mac waves his finger in her face.

"Prove it, boner." She says as she sets her rag and glass on the bar and walks away. "I'm going home."

"Guys, guys, guys, lookit. I'll pick up your glass or whatever, but you have to check out what's in this box!" Charlie begins to pull things out of the box. "It says 'Skeleton Key' on the side so it's gotta be a part of some sort of treasure hunt. Right?"

Dee continues to walk from behind the bar towards the door as Mac walks around Charlie to meet her around the side. Charlie pulls a flashlight and a knife from the box.

"Where do you think you're going? You're on the clock." Mac confronts her as she gathers her purse from the corner of the bar.

"I'm going home. I don't want to be stuck here when this weather hits!" She says as she tries to dodge around him.

"There's like a flashlight, for like spooky cemeteries and a knife for like escaping from nets!" Charlie sets his items down and pulls out a radio and a first aid kit.

"You can't leave! Who's going to serve all the customers!?" Mac points in her face again.

"There's no one here except us, stupid!" Dee points at the very empty bar behind Mac, who turns around to notice.

"There's like a radio for, I guess, incoming missions for, like, finding the skeleton key. And look, medical supplies in case I have to perform surgery! I wonder where the map for all this is..."

"Charlie, it says 'Survival Kit,' not 'Skeleton Key.'" Mac exclaims suddenly. "I put it down there after the last storm in case there was ever a situation where my martial arts experience were to fail us against an act of God."

"Oh, well it's still a really cool find!" Charlie says as he places everything back in the box.

"Huh... you know, Mac, that sort implies that there's a situation where your martial arts knowledge were to protect us from an act of God. Is there one?" Dee crosses her arm as she asks smugly.

"I can punch through a block of wood, wood is a a miracle, an act of God, if you will." Mac calmly explains.

"Oh my God, I'm leaving." Dee says as she turns for the door.

"Excuse me, but you're not leaving! I'm not going to sit behind this bar and work on my day off!" Mac stands with his arms crossed as Dee walks by him.

"It was my day off before I came in! I'm not staying here because my terrible brother is off assaulting some poor woman!" Dee turns to scream at Mac as the front door to the bar opens and Dennis enters.

Dennis, wet from being in the weather, runs by everyone and bolts straight for the television. He has a few patches of blood on his otherwise nice button-up shirt.

"Well, there's Dennis! I hope you're happy, Dee! Ruining everyone's night!" Mac exclaims as he turns around to follow Dennis.

"I didn't ruin..." Dee notices his disheveled nature as Dennis feverishly tries to egt the television to work. "Hey, he doesn't look too good. Is that blood?"

"Hey, dude, are you okay?" Even Charlie begins to walk towards Dennis, who slams on the sides of television.

"C'mon, c'mon..." Dennis mumbles to himself as he strikes the tv again, "Huh? Yeah, what? No! Guys something is going on downtown that you're gonna wanna see. I just barely got out alive."

Dennis finally gets the television to work as it tunes into a breaking news story.

"-to stay indoors. I repeat, the city of Philadelphia is under a state of emergency, and local forces asking residents to stay indoors." The blonde female news anchor says calmly from behind her desk, "Philadelphia is afflicted with mass-scale rioting and violence. Sources are telling us it was started by from a mysterious, possibly terrorist, attack. The mayor Philadelphia has requested the aid of the National Guard in order to restore order to the city. Again, because of the severe weather coupled with the active violence, we are asking all resident to stay indoors."

Shots of the city on fire and assaults on citizens flash on-screen while the ticker reads "THOUSANDS INJURED, HUNDREDS DEAD" and "LOOTING, VIOLENCE AND POSSIBLY CANNIBALISM REPORTED."

"Oh, no, guys this isn't good." Dennis is pale as he turns to face the gang who stand behind him worriedly watching the television.

"What about the girl you were with?" Dee asks her brother. Charlie goes back to the bar.

"Oh, she was great, big titties, little brown nips, a big round ass. She called me "Papi" in bed, it was great. Didn't get to film it though..." Dennis turns back around to watch the coverage.

"I mean, did she survive?" Dee scoffs.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah, I'm sure, I guess. I don't really know. I got out just fine though." Dennis crosses his arms and smiles. "That was a close one!"

"Whose blood is that? Is it yours?" Mac asks, worried.

"Hmm? Oh this?" Dennis chuckles before turning back to the tv. "Ha, yeah, that's a funny story."

"What's the funny story?" Dee continues to watch the tv from behind Dennis.

"What's that?" Dennis turns his head slightly

"What's the funny story behind the blood on your shirt?" Mac curiously asks.

"Oh that? Ah you don't need to worry about that! It's this whole... big thing..." Dennis says eerily before turning back to the news.

"...is that poor girl's blood all over your shirt, Dennis?" Dee asks suspiciously before Dennis and Mac begin denying it with many shouts of "No!" and "Shut up, Dee!" Suddenly Charlie interrupts them from behind the bar.

"Guys! Guys! Guys!" Charlie's voice is muffled but he gets the gang's attention, who turn around. Charlie is wearing a gas mask, a tarp, and is wielding the knife in one hand and the radio in another. "I might not know a lot about stuff, but I know something bad when I see it. And that there is something real bad, horror movie bad, like straight up Land of the Dead shit, okay?"

"'Land of the Dead'? Does he mean, like, zombies?" Dee laughs.

"Why 'Land of the Dead' is my question. I mean what with 'Dawn of the Dead' or 'Night of the Living Dead'..." Mac shrugs his shoulders.

"Right? Why the one that no one saw? It makes no sense to me." Dennis chuckles as he turns away, "I was out there and I don't think I quite saw any real zombies, okay?" Dee and Mac, skeptic as well, also turn back to watch the news reports when suddenly the news reports go off the air, leaving just static.

"That freaked me out a bit." Dee points at the tv.

"Yeah, that was a little weird. Mac, go try the telephone." Dennis orders. "There's no way we're dealing with a zombie crisis."

"The phone's are down." Mac says as he listens for the tone. The color bleeds from the gangs' faces.

"See! This is scary shit, man! There's gotta be thousands, millions of those things all throughout Philly. And I'm not going to be unprepared when these monsters decide to come eat our brains because they're the last ones in Philly!"

Suddenly, the door of the bar swings open, slamming against the wall violently. A small, husky figure walks through the door. A wet and bloodied Frank stands in the doorway, snarling and grunting, as lightning flashes behind him and thunder startles Dee once more.

"The Gang Gets Infected"


	2. Chapter 2

The silhouette of Frank grumbles in the stormy doorway of Paddy's Pub. The gang stands at the ready for him to rush at them. Charlie stands with a knife and flashlight in his hands as Mac takes a flamboyant karate pose. Dennis cowers behind to Dee, waiting to see what Fran does. Frank suddenly makes a loud groan before slowly stepping int the bar.

"Frank's a zombie, fucking kill him!" Dee yells as Charlie and Mac decide to try and ambush him. As they push him over and begin hitting him, Frank cries out.

"Cha'lie! Cha'lie, Mac! Stop, stop! Whaddya' doin!?" Charlie and Mac stop the beating and help him off the ground.

"Oh, I'm sorry man, we thought you were a zombie. You know, what with what's happening downtown and all." Charlie tries brushing him off but does nothing, since Frank is wet and everything sticks to him anyway. Mac rushes and shuts and locks the front door as Dee and Dennis relax.

"I haven't been downtown today Cha'lie. I was under da bridge with Duncan and Z. I don't know what they gave me, but I almost didn't get home okay. It was good stuff." Frank says as he shakes what little of his hair dry.

"I told you guys there weren't any zombies. Either way, what's your story? What happened, why are you covered in blood?" Dennis asked as he begins to enter behind the bar to get a drink while Dee sits on a bar stool near the corner closest the front door. She pushes the "Survival Kit" box further down the bar to make room.

"I could ask you the same thing!" Frank points back as he walks towards the bar. "I bet it's that Maria girl you met up here last night."

"'Maria...'" Dennis chuckled as he opens a few beers for everyone, "Like I ever learned her name."

"No one cares, Dennis. Frank, why are you covered in blood, and wet, and groaning, and stuff?" Dee asks as she takes a swig from her beer.

"And he smells bad, too." Mac points out as he takes a seat left of Dee.

"He always smells bad, Mac. I cant believe you're just now noticing." Dennis finishes opening a beer for himself and begins to walk around the bar.

"Oh, I've known but this is a different stink." Mac says as Dennis sits next to him on the small extension on the bar corner.

"That's just how he smells after hanging out under the bridge, guys, I know that smell. That's bridge smell." Charlie says as he walks up and puts and "Survival Box" on the ground behind the bar stools. This clears a s space next to Dee where Charlie and Frank sit.

"I had to run in the rain! I was chased!" Frank interrupts. "I wrecked my car into a telephone pole about two miles from here on account of the drugs, and on my way here, there were people out. Crazy people... with crazy eyes and they were actin' all weird. Trying to come up to me and... I don't know. I ran the whole way! No stops!"

"You're telling me you ran the whole way here and not once paused for a breather?" Dennis chuckled at Frank's story. "A run like that should've killed you and your disgusting body, Frank."

"I did though! I swear! It was terrifying! There were these black men, with crazy eyes running up to me!" Frank waved his arms about.

"Well, your inebriated accident explains the phones and the cable. Good work, by the way. Sill doesn't explain the blood and groaning..." Dee points out.

"I smacked my head real good tryin' to see over the steering wheel. Might be a little... concussed. Hey, why am I in the hot seat? I haven't had a good day, especially with what I know about what's going on with this city. The guilt is eating me alive!" Franks says as he puts the cold beer against his forehead. This gathers the gang's attention.

"What do you know about what's happening downtown?" Mac asks, suspiciously.

"Ah, Duncan and them, they did something to the water supply."

"Did they? Do you guys remember when Liam and Maureen McPoyle got married and Bill Ponderossa spiked the milk? This sounds awfully familiar to that particular instance..." Dennis drinks a few more gulps quickly.

"Are you telling me the whole city is on bath salts?" Dee turns, wide-eyed, to Frank.

"Naw, naw, nothin' like that, Deandra. They needed the filters from the drainage systems for some new... 'fun-time pills' that Duncan has been cooking up. You kids, should try it, it's crazy. So good it made me smack someone's car into a telephone pole."

"So, now that drug is what's making people go crazy?"

"Duncan would never share his stuff like that Cha'lie, you know that!"

"Then what the hell is it because without the TV or internet, I'm completely lost right now." Mac stands frustrated.

"I don't know what's burnin' the city down but I do know that the water will be tasting... 'not-so-fresh' for a while." Frank takes a swig form his beer before resting it back on his head.

"Are you telling me the whole city is being polluted with poop water?" Dennis holds the bar while he drops his head in disappointment.

"Well, that is disgusting but it wouldn't spark a zombie virus." Dee says before drinking from her beer.

"Where are you kids getting' this 'zombie' thing from? I just heard it was rioting." Franks burps.

"That's what they always say, Frank!" Charlie stands and walks towards the front door, checking out the windows. "They always say 'rioting' or 'cannibalism' but they're always too afraid to just outright say 'zombies.' But I know better, so we're just get on a little bit of lockdown. Nothing to worry about until the zombies blow over."

"Well, I'd still be more comfortable if we had a way of paying attention to the outside world." Mac says defiantly, as he crosses his arms. "I'm already getting claustrophobic. It's like the walls are closing in!"

"Calm down, Mac. What about that radio?" Dee suggests.

"Good point! I forgot about that!" Charlie runs over to the box and presses the power button for the radio, but it makes no noise. He cycles through channels but finds nothing, "Dammit, the zombies got the radio stations, too."

"No, Cha'lie, that's not why the radio is working." Frank says as he rests his head on the bar.

"Did you smack some innocent person's car into a radio station, Frank?" Dennis finishes his drink off and Dee does the same. He makes a gesture for one more and she agrees.

"No, no, no. It doesn't have any batteries." Frank shrugs as Dennis reaches behind the bar and grabs two beers, opening them with little effort.

"How do you know, dude?" Charlie shakes the radio, trying to find a channel.

"Because I took all the batteries in the bar." Frank shook his head. The rest of the gang turns and looks at him in unison.

"Why would you do that?" Mac asks, uncrossing his arms. Charlie tries turning on the flashlight which doesn't work.

"Duncan needed them for drugs." Frank explained.

"Duncan needed them... do you hear yourself? You're putting our life's at risk for some drugs! Are you insane?" Dee slams her old beer glass on the bar top and proceeds to drink her new one.

"They were good drugs." Frank shrugged.

"When did you get so into drugs? You know what, I don't care. Just... God dammit, man. What are we gonna do? I'm sure those zombies followed Frank here! They'll be here any moment!" Mac paces back to his spot on the bar and begins drinking his beer quickly.

"Guys, zombies aren't real! You're freaking out for no reason!" Dennis yells back and forth down the bar at everyone. Suddenly, loud bangs and moaning are heard from the door. Everyone jumps at the sudden banging.

"That's not Frank..." Mac whispers to Dennis.

"I don't know who that is..." Dennis mumbles back. The gang exchanges worried glances before another round of banging happens. "Charlie hit the lights!"

As the gang begins to huddle behind the bar, Charlie runs to the breaker box by the bathrooms, screaming, and strikes it repeatedly with the flashlight.

"Charlie! What are you doing!? Don't!" The gang yells out as a loud, large surge of electricity sparks from the box. The surge results in Charlie being knocked on the ground and the lights flickering off for good and the bangs and moans from outside grow louder.


	3. Chapter 3

"What the hell are we gonna do?" Dee whispered frantically. Charlie lay unconscious only feet away as the sound of a horde lays just outside the door, banging, moaning, wanting inside. The rain is still pounding the streets outside as the lightning silhouettes the heads through the windows.

"Well, the lights are off, our wild card smells like burned meat, and we have no communication to the outside world." Dennis counts the options off on his fingers. Everyone shakes their heads in agreement. "I think we're screwed."

"No! We can do this, guys! We don't need that dead illiterate to figure our way out!" Mac tries rallying his friends.

"Now, let's just say this whole zombie thing is real. How do we know that he isn't going to be one?" Dennis points at the unconscious form of Charlie. "Frank, you're dad or something, you go poke him."

"Me? Why me?" Frank gestures towards himself, "What if he jumps up and bites me?"

"He's not going to jump... well, then again..." Dee starts but stops shortly after.

"No! I'm not getting' bit by Cha'lie!" Frank yells, shaking his head, to a chorus of shushes.

"Frank, will you shut the hell up!" Dennis loudly whispers. "I'll poke him, you bunch of babies." Dennis slowly leaned over to poke Charlie's still smoking body when a loud stroke of thunder awakens him long enough for him to fart, readjust himself on the floor, and begin snoring.

"Oh thank God!" The gang, relieved, begin to brainstorm how to handle the horde outside.

"We could run out the back alley?" Dee suggests.

"Dammit, Dee, the alley?" Mac gestures towards the back door, near the juke box. "That alley is going to lead us right to the zombies!"

"We could escape into the vents and get to the roofs!" Frank chimes in. The banging on the front door grows louder.

"Frank, knowing how fried your brain is becoming, I doubt you have good enough memory to remember how to navigate through it up there." Dennis retorts.

"We could arm ourselves and violently destroy the threat?" Mac shrugs. The gang exchange glances and all nod in agreement. Dennis quickly grabs the knife from Charlie before Dee who scolds him. Mac quickly grabs a bottle of liquor as police sirens sound nearby. While Dee is scurrying for a weapon, Frank pulls his gun from his ankle holster only to have it accidentally discharge as soon as he grips it. The bullet zips around the room, barely missing Dee before embedding itself in the wall.

"God dammit Frank! Now the zombies absolutely know we're in here!" Dennis yells at Frank, who is standing confused next to him.

"You almost hit me! He almost hit me!" Dee slowly slumps to the floor in the dark, "I could be dead..."

"It's not all about you here, Dee, so chill." Mac slowly approaches the front door, navigating carefully. The groans and rapping at the door slowly begins to die down as the police sirens fade into the distance.

"I could have died, Mac! Have a little bit of empathy!" Dee aggressively whispers.

"I don't even know what that word means, Dee. Anyway, I think the zombies are moving. Probably following that police car that just passed by. Threat level assessed: minimal. Crisis averted." Mac says proudly as he peeks through the windows. Dennis, Dee and Frank relax and lower their weapons, only to raise them again immediately again!

The lights in the bar flicker on, Television loudly coming back on for a moment.

"Oh my god! TV!" The gang all make a bee-line straight to the television screen, glued like ants as the same news channel was still covering downtown.

"... virus is becoming better understood. If you have any of the following symptoms, a runny nose, sneezing, fevers, sore throat, diarrhea or vomiting, please stay indoors and avoid contact with others." The female anchor's stern voice resonated through the bar. "In other news, the riots in Philadelphia-"

The lights suddenly shut off, leaving them in darkness again.

"What did they say? What were they saying?" Dee grabs her hair and starts shaking her head.

"A virus? Like a virus-virus?" Frank begins scratching the top of his head.

"What if we already have it?" Mac begins shifting back and forth on his feet.

"Shit, who of you already has it? Get away from me!" Dennis begins yelling, "I don't want to get sick from you guys being irresponsible. I am God, I do not get undead viruses!"

"Dennis, I didn't think you believed in these zombies?"

"Yeah well, things change, Dee." Dennis begins ranting only to be stopped short, "I have had a perfect immune system since I was born and I refuse to allow that to go to-"

Suddenly, Dennis sneezed. Frank, Mac, and Dee all stop and stare at him. Dennis, staring back and wide-eyed, takes off running towards the men's restroom. Mac tries to intercept him but Dennis is just squirrelly enough to get away. He locks himself in the men's restroom.

"Ha ha! Now, none of you can get me! I've quarantined myself! There's nothing you can do to become truly immortal now! I am a god!" Dennis sniffles and cackles from behind the restroom door. The other three exchange glances and all shrug.

"Fine by me." Dee starts walking back to the bar.

"Yeah, we were gonna do this anyway, Dennis. You kinda just did it for us." Mac follows Dee to the bar.

"Huh, I guess you were. Well, shit..." Dennis, slightly defeated slumps against the door. He sniffles for a bit while he sits.

"Yeah, sit in there and rot, you stupid zombie. See if we care." Frank says as waddles back to the bar with the others. Charlie, snoring heavily, suddenly stirs and awakens to the see the others sitting around the bar.

"Oh man, what happened?" Charlie rubs his head with the flashlight nearby.

"You smacked the fuse box with your flashlight and fried yourself." Mac reaches over the bar and grabs a beer for him, Dee, and Frank.

"All I remember is seeing a bright light?" Charlie tries to stand up but is wobbling.

"It was probably the big surge of electricity you caused when you... ya know, hit the fuse box with your flashlight." Dee takes a few swigs from her beer.

"Did... did I die?" Charlie stops rubbing his head as his mouth is agape. Frank, Dee, and Mac exchange glances before all shaking their heads.

"You're not dead Charlie, we checked."

"But... what if I'm a zombie? What if this is what it's like to be a zombie?"

"No, Cha'lie! You didn't die! You just got electrocuted, fell down on the ground, and didn't breathe for a few minutes but you're not a zombie." Frank calmly explains to Charlie.

"I'm the undead! I'm a zombie!" Charlie, horrified, sprints towards the exit. "Run away from me! I'm a monster!" Charlie screams as he runs out of the bar into the storm.

The gang stares bewildered after him only to have Mac walk up and re-lock the front door.

"Well... if he wasn't a zombie before, he is one now." Mac says as he walks back to his stool.

"What happened? I'm quite lonely in here!" Dennis yells through the bathroom door.

"Shut up, zombie!" The gang chuckles. As their laughs rope out, a moment of silence occurs. The silence is brief though because suddenly, Frank sneezes. Dee and Mac immediately lock eyes with Frank who sits and stares back.

"God dammit..." Frank says just before Mac and Dee wrestle him down and force him into the bathroom with Dennis.


End file.
